


Soundless Love

by lightwdslevi



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Childhood Trauma, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Healing, M/M, Mentions of Death, Mentions of Suicide, Minor Character Death, More tags to be added, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Smut, Soulmates, Strangers to Lovers, surgeon!magnus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:01:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23544286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightwdslevi/pseuds/lightwdslevi
Summary: Love doesn't need to be spoken out loud.Alec has been through something traumatic in the past, which left him with anxiety, PTSD, and depression. He swore to himself that he's never going to leave his flat again not to get close to people - as he would only end up hurting them. That's until his sister gets picked up by one of her friends and Alec has to face one of his biggest challenges in life so far. Fighting his own demons to break free of the cage he built up in his mind.
Relationships: Clary Fray/Maia Roberts, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Simon Lewis/Isabelle Lightwood
Comments: 44
Kudos: 124





	1. Fear

**Author's Note:**

> Oh well, here we are again. 
> 
> Before y'all start yelling at me, yes... this one is going to hurt - again. 
> 
> Yes this one is another of my huge-ass slowburns. Yes this won't end badly, don't you worry. I'm gonna add more tags as this story goes on, not wanting to spoil anything too soon. The story is something that I've never done before, tho I had the idea for months now. I wanted to finish LMBWA before starting this one, but since there's only one chapter left to write... I decided to let y'all decide if I should continue this one =) 
> 
> As always, I'd love to read comments or reactions on Twitter! The hashtag for this story is: #SLLfic  
> Feel free to post your reactions while reading, or just afterwards :) 
> 
> Hope y'all are doing fine <3 wash your hands! 
> 
> Big shoutout to my girlfriend, Syl ([@sylightwood](https://twitter.com/sylightwood)), and to Alaska ([@alxndrlightwood](https://twitter.com/aIxndrIightwood)) for proofreading this mess <3 Without you.... this wouldn't be possible. 
> 
> So far, I don't know when I'll update. I'll try to do it once in a month, depending on my betas ofc :) 
> 
> Enjoy reading! I made another playlist for this fic, which will get updates with every chapter! Make sure to check it out! 
> 
> Twitter: [@malecsmercy](https://twitter.com/malecsmercy)  
> Playlist: [click here!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3NkSkoZ1bjUPD0Zyki4Geg?si=vHEVBnJrQ2W1jNGcvNDXVA)  
> And I also made a page for the aesthetics again, if you're not coming from Twitter! [right here!](https://drive.google.com/open?id=1bZg_BeFjzqZJ2EguIw52pI_bd3z_9uN7)  
> Love, Kim x

**Soundless Love**

  
  


There were a lot of terrible things in this world. And he was certain that there were people that suffered way more than him. People with diseases, who needed to take tablets which made them feel sick or even got them to vomit, but at the end of the day wouldn’t help anyone. People who fought against cancer and had to go through chemo once a week. People who didn’t have a home nor a bed to sleep in and had to beg for food. People who lived in warzones and had to fear for their lives. Overall, the fear of disappointing someone appeared horrible in his mind. The fear of dying. 

Yeah, the fear of _dying_ was definitely much worse than the stuff he had to deal with. 

In fact, it was ten times worse than his problems. 

And yet, he couldn’t believe that there was anything _worse_ than being trapped in your own mind. 

The narrowness, caused by this restricted way of living, encouraged every symptom he had. It triggered his panic, his fears in the most unpleasant moments and above all, it stirred up his reluctance to do anything about it. Or even to speak of it. 

There was always someone worse off than _himself._

However, none of this soothed him. Because even though he had a bed and enough to eat, people who looked after him and cared for him, there were many things which made his life a living hell. 

He just wanted a day to be different. Just _once._

He sighed deeply before he leaned back against the wall of his windowsill. He brought himself one of his pillows, trying to make the situation more comfortable for himself. But at the end of the day, his back hurt nevertheless. His eyes were fixated on the skyline behind the glass. New York looked way more beautiful from his point of view. He could see the sky, the birds flying around the huge buildings, the trees of the central park tickling the grayness of the city. It was the only thing that made the city seem _colorful_. 

Not that he had any idea what _colorful_ even meant. For him, everything was dark, black, sometimes gray. Though his eyes were able to see colors, his mind wasn’t. 

For him everything seemed dark, negative, _depressing_. 

He hated the world, his room, his life, but most likely he hated himself. And he didn’t want to, his mind just made him this way. 

He hated being around people, but _God_ , he despised being alone.

Being alone meant his mind was free to speak. Free to tell him whatever it wanted him to hear. 

But would this make him leave the apartment? _Hell no._

His mother was a hard-working woman, who always tried to be there for him the second she left work. She was a lawyer, always busy with clients, yet the second she showed up at home, she was caring. His sister quit her apprenticeship. She wanted to be a nurse, helping people who were really sick. She truly loved her job, from what he could tell and what he heard. She always talked about the friends she met at work, the parties she went to when his mother got home. But they couldn’t pay for someone who would take care of him - at least not in the long term. 

And again, it’s _his_ fault that his sister had to suffer. He felt sorry for her. Actually, he felt terrible. He wished that he could just stay home alone and let his loved ones enjoy their lives. But his panic attacks would take over the second he’s alone for too long. It wasn’t a good time when his mother was at work longer than usual, and his sister went out for grocery shopping. 

His phone vibrated a few seconds later and he briefly twitched, before taking it out of his hoodie. 

ISABELLE: _I made myself a sandwich. You want one as well?_

Alec lifted his chin and looked out of the window again. The sun was slowly setting and people started turning their lights on. Alec, however, loved the darkness. He loved sitting behind his window and just staring at the lit up streets of New York. 

New York, the city that never sleeps. 

Alec sighed deeply before he put his legs, which he had pulled to himself to be more comfortable, on the floor again. He looked to his bed to find his cat sleeping on his blanket. Ares was his name. He was a norwegian forest cat and his fur was dark brown with white accents. His family got the cat when he was sixteen, and though Alec never spoke to the cat before nor called him by his name, Ares loved to be in his room, to sleep on his bed. 

Alec didn’t mind him. Actually, he was pretty glad that there was someone in his room almost all the time, even though it was just a simple cat. The second Alec got up from his windowsill, Ares raised his head and looked at him. Their communication was different. Alec just nodded at him, before looking to the door and Ares understood. Ares got up quickly, raising his head and looking around the room before jumping off the bed and walking to the door. 

Alec took one last look out of the window before he also walked over to the door to open it for the cat. Ares made a lovely voice before running down the stairs to get to Isabelle. Alec followed him slowly and quietly, hoping that Isabelle wouldn’t notice him the second he entered the first floor. 

“I knew you’re hungry.” Isabelle’s voice sounded. Alec flinched directly, thinking she was already talking to him. But in reality, Isabelle was talking to the cat. When he appeared in the kitchen, he tried not to make any noise. He wanted to be invisible just for one day. 

“So, you want a sandwich, Alec?” Isabelle turned around to her brother and smiled at him. She tried to treat him as normal as possible, though Alec knew that no one could treat him normally. He was different, awkward, weird, broken. 

“Cool pullover… Wait, is this one new?” She tilted his head and her brother had to smile a little bit. He was wearing a black oversized pullover and sweatpants. He didn’t even know why he bought oversized clothes, since he didn’t really eat much anyway. He didn’t have to worry about his weight, but apparently he felt more comfortable in oversized clothes. 

Alec shrugged with his shoulders to answer both questions, before he went to the fridge. One look inside told him that his mother definitely needed to shop for groceries again. It was _empty_. Only an apple and some juice were left. 

“Mom will get new stuff today after work. Don’t worry.” Isabelle mentioned as she saw her brother looking into the fridge. Alec just nodded as he closed the door of the fridge with an apple in his hand. He wasn’t really hungry, hence why he only ate the apple. He was watching Isabelle, how she carefully put Ares on the floor again after cuddling him. 

“He slept on your blanket again, didn’t he?” Isabelle asked as she grabbed a can of cat food. Ares was playing around her feet, stroking his head against Isabelle’s leg to get what he wanted. 

Alec nodded before biting into his apple. He didn’t really taste anything, didn’t feel anything today. Not that any other day was really different. But today was, indeed, different. It was Alec’s _birthday._

“Oh! By the way, Mom will bring us dinner! You know, due to your birthday.” Cheered Isabelle loudly. Alec took another bite from the apple, nodding to Isabelle as a sign that he understood her. He sighed deeply, looking down to Ares who was already halfway done with his meal. 

He hated his birthdays. Always showed him that he survived another year even though he didn’t deserve to live. 

He simply didn’t. 

“After we finish eating dinner I will go hang out with Clary and Maia, okay? They told me about a new club just around the corner. Mom will stay awake as long as possible.” Isabelle explained with a small smile. Alec nodded in her direction. He didn’t want his sister to change her life. That she had to drop her dream job already bugged him. It was his fault that she couldn’t follow her dreams.

But Alec was used to feeling guilty. 

Alec hopped onto the counter a few seconds later and folded his hands on his lap. His phone vibrated only moments later and he pulled it out of his pocket. A look at his lockscreen already told him who texted him and he would be lying if he said he was happy to see the name. 

ROBERT: _Happy Birthday, son! Hope you’re enjoying your day. Jace also wishes you a happy birthday! Stay safe._

Alec’s hand tightened around his phone. Isabelle noticed him change, noticed how he tensed while reading the message. She walked towards him and took a look at the phone, before she sighed. 

“Ignore him. We both know he’s not worth it,” stated Isabelle annoyed. She hated their father as much as Alec did. He just left with Jace after the divorce. Alec didn’t even know if he still supported their mother financially. 

Alec looked up to his sister and tried to smile, but he failed enormously. 

“Nah, come on, Alec. It’s your birthday! We don’t let those scums ruin your day, okay? How about… I’ll give you my present, hm?” Isabelle jumped on the counter opposite of Alec. She looked at him smiling, before tilting her head. 

Alec couldn’t help himself. He just had to smile back. After all, she was his sister. And he loved her dearly, wished to be able to protect her and give her everything she wished for in life. He nodded briefly, before his sister got up again, clapping her hands in excitement. She left the room for a second, hurrying to her room, before she entered the kitchen again with a gift box. The gift wasn't really big. It was a small envelope with a note on it.

Alec looked at the envelope, before looking at Isabelle again. 

“Open it!” Isabelle smiled at her brother. She was nervous about his reaction, but she knew he wished for something like this for a long time already. 

Alec hesitated, not knowing what to expect, nor if he should be happy or if he should be feeling guilty that his sister got him something on his birthday. His fingers trembled briefly, as he opened the envelope slowly and took out a piece of gray paper. 

_If you’re ready for it, I’ll be by your side the whole time. I know you wanted a tattoo for years already. The second you’re ready to take this step with leaving the house - I’ll be there for you._

_Love, Isabelle_

It was a coupon for a tattoo. Isabelle had already paid 400 dollars in advance. There was no time limit on the coupon, so Alec could decide by himself whether he was ready or not yet. 

He lifted his head again, looking at Isabelle with watery eyes, before wiping them hastily. He felt how his body started to tremble. He wanted a tattoo for such a long time already. And he knew it was expensive, so he never asked for it - knowing that he wouldn’t leave the house anyway. 

“Actually… it’s from mom and me. I just couldn’t wait any longer to finally give it to you. And we don’t want to push you into anything, Alec. I just know that we talked about it back in the days on iMessage. And I didn’t forget.” She smiled warmly at her brother, who could only nod and smile, before jumping off the corner to get closer to his sister. 

He pulled her into a soft hug. Not too long, he didn’t wanna hurt her after all. But he felt that Isabelle wanted the hug to last longer - _way_ longer _._

But she knew him. She knew him too well. Ever since the accident happened, he has changed. He wasn’t the same Alec anymore who would play with her all day, who would play with Barbies and cars at the same time just to please his sister. 

He’s changed a lot ever since that _one_ day, and though Isabelle and their mother tried to do everything in their power, they couldn’t get the old Alec back. 

They didn’t lose hope, they just accepted the new Alec. 

After they broke the hug, Isabelle smiled briefly at her brother. He nodded at Isabelle, thanking her that way. At the same time, someone unlocked the door and Alec looked to the hallway. Maryse entered the apartment with a plastic bag in her hand. She smiled at both Alec and Isabelle. 

“Welcome home, mom!” Isabelle cheered. Ares jumped onto the counter to meet Alec’s mother as well. Maryse cuddled with Ares for quite a while before putting the plastic bag on the kitchen island and greeting Isabelle with a hug. 

“I brought us some salad bowls.” she added to the hug. Isabelle nodded at her before looking towards Alec again, who was petting Ares. 

“Alec,” Maryse said with a smile. “Did Isabelle already hand you our gift?” 

Alec nodded with a shy smile. He walked towards his mom and hugged her as well. Maryse embraced her son in a warm hug, smiling into his shoulder. “Happy Birthday, son,” she whispered into his ear. Alec nodded into the hug before breaking away and stepping back. He rarely got so close with his family members. But after all, it was his birthday, right? 

The least he could do on this day was to pretend that he was better. 

“Are you hungry?” Maryse’s question was directed at Isabelle. She pointed to the kitchen island. 

“Obviously! What about you, Alec?” Isabelle looked over to her brother, who shrugged his shoulders and moments later shook his head. Isabelle looked sadly at her brother. 

“He just ate an apple. Maybe later?” Isabelle explained to Maryse, who nodded silently before opening the packaging of the salad bowls. 

“I heard you wanna go out today?” Maryse grabbed two forks from one of the counters and sat down at the kitchen island with her daughter. The two of them fell into a conversation relatively quickly. About work, about Isabelle’s friends, about the club. Alec wished he could just join the conversation, but he didn’t know what to say. 

Heck, he wouldn’t even know how to form words anymore. He hasn’t said a single word in eleven years. 

“Yeah, I’m meeting Clary, Maia, and Magnus at a new club just around the corner. Not far from here, but Magnus wants to pick me up,” she said in a warm voice, beaming. 

He heard a lot about Isabelle’s friends, but only one name caught his attention all the time. 

_Magnus._ Meaning ‘the great’ in Latin. 

The name sounded different, interesting. But Alec was way too afraid to even dare slide into Isabelle’s iMessage and ask her about him. Alec didn’t really have a friend, only his sister. 

He missed having friends, dropping out of school and having a private teacher who helped him graduate due to his mental situation made him the black sheep of his generation. 

“Magnus?” 

“Yeah, he’s still new in town, you know? He just wants to pick me up, because of the weather today. He’s lovely, don’t worry. I’m not into him, but he’s a pretty good friend.” Isabelle turned around to Alec, who was still leaning against the counter, petting Ares with his one hand and scrolling through something on his phone with his other. 

“Alec,” she called her brother, who immediately flinched. Isabelle smiled softly. 

“Oh, I’m sorry. Is it okay if someone picks me up? I don’t want you to get afraid. He’s really nice.” Isabelle wanted to make sure that her brother was fine with her bringing people into the apartment, even if it wasn’t for long. She didn’t want Alec to feel horrible. 

Alec nodded quickly and tried to smile, before he left the kitchen. His feet dragged him upstairs again. On one hand, he wanted to get to know Isabelle’s friends, but on the other… Those were Isabelle’s friends. He had no right inserting himself into Isabelle’s group of friends. 

Moments later he let himself fall onto his bed. He started staring at the ceiling without actually noticing how the time flew by. He questioned himself; would Isabelle’s friends like him? Even though he was so _different?_

Would they accept him even though he never says a word? 

Alec was shaking his head in disbelief. They definitely wouldn’t, no. He rolled onto his stomach and looked out of the window. It started to rain on this particular afternoon. Not that it surprised Alec, after all it was his birthday and he didn’t deserve to have good weather on “his” day, right? 

He sighed deeply. Actually, he loved the rain. People would just leave the streets and hide in their houses, apartments and fancy suits. The streets were just _empty_ , and Alec could appreciate the nature of New York. Blackbirds flying near Central Park, squirrels searching for food on the sandy paths of the park. Stray cats running through the alleys near the restaurants to find food. 

The clouds became larger above New York. A thunderstorm rolled over the city. And honestly, this was the best thing that happened today. 

Alec rolled onto his back again and continued staring at the ceiling. He was bored, really bored. And he needed to do something before his mind started to make him feel bad again. He needed to do something, to be busy - to distract himself from his own thoughts. He left the tattoo coupon on his desk, next to his sketchbook. He tilted his head before getting up and approaching his desk, where he left the tattoo coupon right next to his sketchbook. 

A look at his clock told him that it was only 7pm, which meant he still had a lot of time until he would feel sleepy. He sighed deeply, before sitting down in front of his sketchbook. He loved drawing, he was almost obsessed with it. He could put all his thoughts, feelings, anger and depression into his drawings, and no one would notice a damn thing. 

He started drawing his tattoo idea. He never actually thought about _what_ he wanted it to be, but he knew that he wanted it to be on his neck. Sure, he was afraid of needles, yet he wanted it so badly. He wanted to get out of this hell for once. Just one time. His hands flew over the paper magically, completely forgetting the noises around him. He had his AirPods in his ears, muting every sound that wasn’t coming from his playlist. And an hour later, he had the perfect tattoo down on the paper. 

It was a rune, highly inspired by the Vikings. It was in the shape of the letter _Z_. Alec had read a lot of books in his life. He was interested in Vikings and the ancient times, hence why he knew that the rune stood for protection and defense. 

And God, if no one protected him, he had to do it _himself._

He put his pencil aside and looked at his drawing again, putting his playlist on pause for the time being. He nodded, satisfied with the result. Though he didn’t know when he would be able to get it, he was sure about the way it would look like and where it would be placed. 

Maybe he could finally protect his loved ones, once he had ink on his skin. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


“How has he been today?” Maryse stomped into her salad bowl, looking at the clock. “His birthday is almost over and he is still in a bad mood.” 

“You know he hates his birthday, mom… we should be glad that he accepted the gift.” Isabelle answered quietly. She was worried for her brother, not that any day was different. But she hoped that at least once a month he would have a better day.

“How was work?” Isabelle wanted to change the subject, not because she didn’t want to talk about Alec, but because her mother always asked the same questions. And Isabelle always had to give her the same reply. _You know how he is. He’s not gonna change. No, he will probably never talk to any of us again._

Maryse shrugged, barely noticeably. “Pretty okay. My case is almost done. Next week is the appointment at court. We will see how it goes,” she replied. 

Isabelle just nodded and continued eating her salad. She sighed deeply. “I’m pretty amazed that Alec allowed me to bring Magnus into the flat. Even if it’s not for long.” She confessed. She was honestly surprised. The last time she brought someone home, her friend Simon, Alec had a panic attack. Most likely because he didn’t know him, and Isabelle hadn’t mentioned him to Alec. Ever since, Isabelle got more careful with her friends and bringing them home. She didn’t want her brother to have another panic attack because she brought some friends home. If she needed to, she would usually stay over at her friend’s place instead.

“Dad texted Alec today.” Isabelle looked at her mother, who almost dropped her fork. 

“What did he want from him?” she asked with a shaking voice, filled with anger and shock. She never got over the fact that her ex-husband left the family together with Jace, just because of what had happened in the past. 

Just because… they had to say goodbye to someone. 

“He wished him a happy birthday, together with Jace. With a text, obviously.” Isabelle laughed ironically. “I told him to ignore them, because he tensed up… And to distract him, I handed him the gift. But I wanted to let you know nevertheless.” Isabelle sounded tired. “Why don’t they just stop trying? They ain’t changing a thing for us, or for Alec!” she exclaimed. 

Maryse looked at her daughter with a desperate look. “I wished it was that easy. Sadly, as long as Alec isn’t blocking the number… they’re free to text him.” 

“He would never block the number.” Isabelle’s voice sounded bitter. She wished that her father and forgotten brother would just leave them alone, and especially leave Alec alone. She sighed again before she got up and started putting the groceries that Maryse brought along with the salad bowls into the fridge. 

“So… tell me about Magnus. You’ve talked about him a lot for quite a while now.” Maryse turned around to her daughter, interested in this new friend her daughter has been mentioning for weeks now. 

Isabelle turned around for a second and looked at her mother. “Mom! No, no. Don’t even think about it! You know that Simon and I are close, closer than I will probably ever be with someone else.” 

“And I’m happy about that! I wish I could meet him…” Maryse’s voice turned sad again. “But that wasn’t my question. Who’s this Magnus?” 

“He moved here a while ago. He’s from Chicago and he’s working at the hospital I was once working at. He’s a surgeon.” Isabelle was waving her hands around to explain everything in more detail while putting the food into the fridge. “He’s pretty cool, still young… super relaxed and overall just a great friend to hang out with. Clary and Maia introduced me to him - well they introduced him to our weekly club-round. He likes to celebrate his weekend with a good cocktail and good music. So, Clary dragged him to the club one night where Simon was just having a gig and… yeah that’s how we met.” 

“Sounds good! I hope he will bring you home as well?” Maryse looked towards the window. The rain got stronger with time passing by. 

“If I ask nicely…” Isabelle answered while laughing. “Nah, I’m sure of it. He’s a gentleman,” she added with a shrug. “Will you keep an eye on Alec?” 

“Of course.” Maryse smiled softly. “Have fun, my dear.” She got up as well and put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher before she walked to the living room. On her way she met Isabelle and gave her a small hug. 

“Thank you.” Isabelle mouthed towards her before leaving the kitchen, heading towards her room to get ready. As she walked up the stairs, she heard the quiet music coming from Alec’s room. He was listening to The Neighbourhood, one of his favorite bands in the last years, besides EDEN and NF. A small smile crept onto her lips. Even though he changed a lot and wasn’t the perfect big brother, he still had a personality. And even if Isabelle wasn’t sure _when_ his time would come, she was sure that someday, someone would come along who would be able to tear down the walls he has built up. 

  
  


* * *

Alec was sitting on his windowsill again. He was watching the rain, while browsing through Facebook. He just did his daily exercises, which took about 20 minutes. He could shut out any negative thoughts while doing it, which was why he started loving it for a few years now. Besides, he wasn’t that lazy, he could at least help his body stay healthy. 

Sadly, none of it was helping his mental state. 

He looked back at his laptop, clicking through his sister’s profile. He used her profile as a source of news. He didn’t leave the house, or read the newspapers. It was his way to stay in contact with his generation. He had a few friends from school in his friends list, and people like Clary and Maia. They knew about him from Isabelle and accepted him, sometimes even commented under his photos.

Though he wasn’t posting pictures of himself, but of his drawings, or song covers he did on the piano. He liked it, and he was glad that some people also enjoyed the things he was doing.

He scrolled through Isabelle’s latest photos and saw Magnus again. He found out about Magnus weeks ago through her pictures. And Alec couldn’t deny that he was attractive like hell. Probably the most attractive one in the group. Not that the others weren’t beautiful, but Alec figured out his sexuality when Isabelle first had a group of friends. He was just always more interested in boys. 

One of her former friends was called Elijah. And damn, that man wasn’t Alec’s first downfall in life, but definitely someone who drove him crazy. Even though Elijah had no idea of Alec’s existence. He wasn’t as tall as Alec, but he had such a modern and clean style, with brown eyes and almost black hair that Alec couldn’t resist him. He was his first crush, his realisation. Yet Alec was sure that no one would ever fall for him, he simply didn’t deserve to be in love. He was doomed forever, had billions of negative points at karma itself. He would visit hell the second he stopped breathing. 

He never told anyone how he felt about guys, not even his sister. 

Alec sighed deeply, letting his head rest against the wall behind him. His eyes flew over the skyline of New York yet again. He could see a crow resting right beside his window on one of the antennas. Alec has wished to be a bird for many years now, just being free, flying away from all the demons and problems he had. 

But the reality seemed different. He was trapped in his own flat, in his body, his mind. He couldn’t escape. He would never be free of his demons, of the guilt that was haunting him _every_ day. 

Alec looked back at Facebook. He clicked on the latest photo that his sister posted a week ago. It showed Clary, Maia, Simon - Isabelle’s most likely secret boyfriend, and Magnus. Isabelle had tagged all of them and Alec was tempted yet again to click on Magnus’ name. He thought about it for a while, bit on his lips to suppress the urge, yet he lost the battle anyway. The cursor wandered over to his name and clicked magically on his name. 

_Magnus Bane_. 

He wasn’t friends with Magnus, hence why he didn't get to see a lot. But he saw that he was born in New York, moved to Chicago with his father, went to college there and started to work afterwards. Only to move back to New York and start at the same hospital his sister once worked at. Magnus was 24, looked incredibly beautiful and was successful as a neurosurgeon. He was living his best life, he had a lot of friends, a workplace - overall just an amazing life. 

Alec’s eyes flew over to his biography. Magnus stated he was bisexual, yet not really interested in anything serious due to his career. 

Alec sighed deeply before he closed his laptop. He looked outside his window to observe the moon and the stars that appeared over New York in the meantime. He couldn’t see many stars due to the amount of light that New York was sending towards the sky, but it was still enough for him to feel better. He loved the stars and everything about astronomy. There was something magical and mysterious about the space and the different galaxies around him. Maybe he lived in another universe? Maybe he had a good, no, a perfect life on a different planet? Alec looked down at the closed laptop and reality hit him again. All of a sudden he felt bad. He shouldn’t have been looking in the first place. It wasn’t right to “stalk” Isabelle’s friends, but what could he do? Go out with her? 

Hell no. 

Alec heard something scratching at the door frame, well, someone. He got up quietly to open the door for Ares, who immediately jumped onto Alec’s bed again to make himself comfortable. Alec smiled softly, closing the door again and looking around his room. There wasn’t much to do anymore. He drew his tattoo, he finished his workout and his book earlier on. But he had to do something, had to stay active. 

Otherwise something atrocious would take over his mind within seconds. 

He breathed in deeply before opening his door, and looked back at Ares, who was busy cleaning his paw. He nodded towards his cat one last time before he left the room, letting the door stay open just a little bit, just in case Ares wanted to get out. Alec walked down the stairs like a ghost, barely audible to anyone else. His mother was watching TV, yet she turned around. She got used to the ghost steps of his son. 

“Are you hungry, sweetheart?” 

Alec flinched directly. He didn’t notice that his mother turned towards him. He looked over to her but shook his head. He wasn’t hungry, or in the mood to let his mom ask him hundreds of questions again. He walked over to the piano that was near the hallway. He looked at his mother again, who understood his request. 

“Go ahead.” Maryse smiled at her son. She was glad that he had some hobbies, even if they didn’t require him to leave the house. 

Alec hesitated for a second before sitting down on the bench. He let his fingers rest on the tiles of the piano, taking a deep breath. It’s been a while since he last played a song on the piano. But he loved it. He loved music overall, people could express their feelings so easily with their words in songs. But Alec wasn’t able to sing them out loud. He was able to write them down, yes - but no one would read them anyway. 

So he started covering songs that he liked, that inspired him to keep fighting. He started off with The Story Never Ends by Lauv, letting his fingers do the work for him. He closed his eyes, following the sounds of the notes like he never did anything else in his life. The fact that Maryse was watching him didn’t bother him. He was lost in the music, in the moment. And though he would usually get a panic attack just at the thought of someone watching him - he stayed calm. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


“I’ll be out with some friends, just to let you know!” Magnus yelled over the kitchen table to Raphael, who was busy with his current round of Counter Strike. Magnus wasn’t even sure if Raphael heard him, which is why he grabbed himself an apple before he walked over to Raphael and tapped his shoulder. 

Raphael flinched for a brief second. He looked to Magnus for a moment, rolling his eyes and taking off his headset because he got killed. 

“You ruined my game, man.” 

“I’ll be out with friends for tonight. You gotta eat alone,” Magnus repeated his sentence. He looked at the gray screen for a moment before he had to laugh. “You know this isn’t good for your brain, right?”

“Spare me the nerd talk, Magnus. You know who’s letting you sleep here.” Raphael exclaimed, annoyed.

“And you know who’s paying most of the bills and buys the food.” Magnus walked towards the couch and let himself fall onto the soft fabric before he bit into his apple. He shut down the TV before he looked at Raphael again, who just closed the game to turn around to Magnus. 

“Why do you have so many friends already? You've been here for what… a month?” Raphael sounded annoyed and tired. 

“Nearly.” Magnus smirked again. “We both know I’m irresistible.” Magnus let his head meet the arm of the couch to look at Raphael. The IT-manager rolled with his eyes. 

“You’re unbelievable, that’s all, Magnus.” 

“You say that, because you haven’t slept with me yet.” Magnus raised his finger with a huge smile on his lips.

“And I will never sleep with you,” Raphael fired back with a laugh. 

“Your loss.” Magnus shrugged before getting up. He finished his apple within a few bites before he headed towards the bathroom. 

Raphael was one of his childhood friends from New York. When he moved back here, he immediately asked him if he could stay at his place. Until he settled in the whole _New York thing_ again. Raphael agreed, since he usually worked from home he didn’t mind Magnus at all. Because compared to his job, Magnus was almost always at the hospital. And if he wasn’t, he was out clubbing. 

But Magnus could always count on Raphael, he wasn’t annoying, or bitchy. He was pretty much busy with his own stuff. Magnus knew that he wasn’t into relationships or sex, he stated that in his puberty already. He was aromantic and asexual.

And Magnus didn’t mind, he supported him all the time when the two of them chatted. After all, they were best friends back in his childhood. When Magnus explained to Raphael that he was bisexual, Raphael wasn’t even surprised. They used their sexualities to tease each other all the time. As a joke, obviously. 

Magnus jumped into the shower, making himself ready for the night in the club. He had to pick up Isabelle before driving to the club, since the storm was getting bigger with every minute passing by. He applied his make up, which he wasn’t able to wear at work due to the nature of his workplace. 

But he loved his eyeliner, letting his eyes seem darker and bigger. He also loved to have at least one colorful strand of hair. Right now it was a darkish red one, not really noticeable, yet dominant enough to stand out in his usually black hair. He grabbed his hair gel to get his hair in the right form before grabbing his perfume for the night. He knew what he wanted to wear, how to get attention from people around him. The second he entered a club, he forgot about his profession. He was nothing more than a normal guy who enjoyed the company of his friends and a good drink in his hand. 

Magnus headed towards his bedroom to grab one of his ripped jeans and a black denim shirt. He also grabbed some of his rings and a necklace to decorate his neck. When he left his bedroom, Raphael eyed him up. 

“I can see you,” Magnus yelled over at him when he grabbed his keys. “Be honest, I am irresistible!” 

“You’re an annoying piece of shit,” Raphael declared roughly with a laugh. Magnus turned around again to face him. 

“Come on, Raphael.” Magnus raised his arms offended and wanted Raphael to take another look at him. 

The IT expert turned around yet again, since he got killed another time. “If you bring someone home, I’m gonna murder you.” Raphael hated meeting Magnus’ one night stands that he brought home from time to time. It was always an awkward situation when Magnus had to leave for work pretty early and Raphael was left alone with the mysterious man or woman he had no idea about. He always made coffee for them and then carefully kicked them out of the flat. 

“Not gonna happen today, I have to bring Lightwood Junior back home,” Magnus explained with a smile before he put his jacket on. He looked into the mirror again to fix his look one last time before he nodded towards Raphael. “Good luck with your games!”

“Have fun out there!” Raphael shouted back when he heard the door getting slammed. He sighed deeply before he put on his headphones again and finally got to relax while playing his games. 

Magnus got into his car a few minutes later and put the address of Isabelle’s flat into his phone. He knew a lot of places in New York, but when it came to finding the fastest way to a certain apartment he rather counted on his phone. He linked his phone to the system before he turned his music up and started the engine. He buckled himself up and started to drive towards Isabelle’s flat. His phone told him that he would need around 20 minutes to get there due to all the traffic on this Friday evening. The storm still didn’t cool off. It wasn’t a thunderstorm anymore, but it was windy and it was raining a lot, so Magnus understood why Isabelle wanted him to pick her up. 

And about half an hour later he arrived at his destination. He basically jumped out of his car and ran to the door. Quickly he searched for the name Lightwood before he started to ring the bell. The wind was blowing in… an unpleasant direction, which got his jacket wet within seconds. But it didn’t take long until someone pressed the button and the ring sound went off and Magnus could push the door open. He looked at his phone for a moment to read over Isabelle’s text once more. 

ISABELLE L.: _10th floor right side :)_

Magnus walked towards the elevators and pressed one of the buttons. He never understood how these things worked. He didn’t hear a sound of one of them coming down nor going up. Even though the sign was already glowing, showing him that the elevator was on call for him. Magnus felt like he’s been waiting for hours, ages for the elevator to finally arrive. He leaned back against the wall on the opposite side of the elevator and waited. He scrolled through his phone and texted Clary that they’ll be there soon and that she could already order drinks. 

Magnus got to know them right after moving back to New York as he started working at the hospital. Clary and Maia were dating, he knew that the second he saw them. They were quite shy at first, especially because Magnus had to train them. But the situation cooled off because they got to know Magnus relatively quickly. He wasn’t like the other surgeons, who treated the newbies like trash. He was a normal person after all, laughing with them. And since Magnus wasn’t that old, they were able to hang out with him after work at clubs.

A sound rang in Magnus’ ears and he looked up to see that the elevator’s door opening itself for him. Magnus smirked soundlessly before he pushed himself back off the wall to enter the elevator. He pressed the button for the 10th floor and waited again. He’s never been to Isabelle’s place before and he was quite excited about meeting her family. Isabelle never really told him anything about her family. Only that her mother was a lawyer and that her dad lived in a different city with one of her brothers. 

The elevator stopped and Magnus breathed in deeply before stepping out of the small space. He was in a hallway, looked to his right and left before he spotted the door with the “Lightwood” sign right next to it. He let his finger fly over the button before he pressed it softly and he heard a ring bell again. He could also hear soft sounds from the other side of the door. It was a piano being played. He tilted his head and stepped back a little bit not to be too pushy. 

Isabelle opened the door seconds later with a huge smile. 

“Magnus!” She seemed more than happy to see him. She stepped out of the apartment to give Magnus a hug. She would love to be a nurse by his side, she knew he would teach her a lot. 

“Hello my dear, are you ready to go?” Magnus asked, still embracing her. He could smell her perfume and see that she applied her make-up already. But he was talking about Isabelle Lightwood, who always had to look perfect in a club. 

“Not yet, gimme another minute okay? Just come in for a second. You can just wait here, before my mother starts asking awkward stuff. She already thought that I had a thing for you.”

“You don’t?” he asked her with a smile. 

“Ew! Magnus!” Isabelle laughed and hit his arm before turning around and heading towards the stairs again. “I’ll be right back,” she shouted towards him. 

Magnus just nodded before he closed the door and looked around the hallway. He could hear the sounds of the piano coming from the living room. He wondered if Isabelle’s mother played piano. He could even recognize the song. It was Human by Christina Perri, as a piano cover. No vocals - just the pure beauty of the tones. And it was being played _perfectly_. 

Magnus dared to look around the corner in the hallway to look into the living room. He could see Maryse Lightwood sitting on the couch, her eyes fixed on the TV. She was watching some boring show about redecorating a house. Magnus followed the sound of the piano and looked more to the right to find someone sitting in front of the piano. He had his eyes closed, letting his fingers fly over the tiles. 

And Magnus could swear that he gasped out loud. That man was just… _beautiful._ Though Magnus didn’t get to see a lot of him, he could still tell that he was breathtaking. His hair was falling into his eyes, touching his eyelashes briefly. His fingers were long, magically touching each tile with an ease that Magnus has never seen before. When he opened his eyes again, the song ended. And Magnus hoped, no, he begged for him to turn towards him. So that he could get a full look of him. 

And it was Magnus’ lucky day. The young man turned around to face him, as if he knew that someone was watching him play. 

And Magnus was right. He was breathtaking. His eyes were huge, shining and shimmering at him with an anxious look. His jawline was striking and strong. He was certain that he worked out even though he wore that oversized hoodie. Magnus didn’t know if the man knew about him, but he was certain that he himself wanted to get to know him for sure. 

The young man just faced him without saying a word, without moving _at all_. As if he just met a lion in the wilds of Africa.

“Darling, do you wanna keep playing or can I finally turn up the volume of the TV again?” Magnus heard Maryse saying something, but the man didn’t take his eyes off Magnus for a second. He just blinked all of a sudden before getting up and passing Magnus within seconds, without saying a word. He basically ran up the stairs in a rush as if Magnus had harmed him. 

Magnus blinked as well a few times, he was confused, but he heard footsteps again. 

“Okay! I’m ready. Let’s go.” Isabelle was right next to him and Magnus was certain that he had just heard the first footsteps of Isabelle a second ago. He blinked again and looked over to her. 

“You okay?” Isabelle asked while tilting her head. “You look like you just saw a dead body,” she added with a laugh. 

But Magnus just nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine. I was just… a little bit confused. Let’s head to the club.” Magnus smiled at her before he turned to the living room again. 

“I’ll bring her back safely, Misses Lightwood.” 

Maryse flinched briefly before looking over the couch to meet Magnus’ gaze. 

“Oh! Hey there! I didn’t even hear you coming in over the sound of Alec playing the piano. Have fun.” Maryse waved towards the both of them. 

_Alec._ That was his name. The first information Magnus had about him besides his breathtaking looks. 

Isabelle rolled her eyes before she grabbed her keys and dragged Magnus out of the flat. “I told you not to talk to her, she’s getting awkward.” Isabelle’s voice sounded annoyed and embarrassed. She sighed deeply as they waited for the elevator yet again. Magnus was standing next to her, keeping his hands inside his pockets. 

“Pardon my dear, but - who’s Alec?” He wanted to know. He _had_ to know. He didn’t believe in love at first sight but he was sure that Alec was a work of God himself. And he had to know more about him before digging deeper into this whole subject. 

Isabelle flinched briefly at the mention of her brother’s name. 

“Alec? You- you saw him?” 

“He was playing the piano when I was waiting for you. He played Human by Christina Perri and it was breathtaking.” He didn’t mention that the song wasn’t the only thing that was breathtaking. 

“I watched him play from a distance, obviously, and I felt like he… he knew that I was watching him. Because right after the song ended he looked over to me. We looked at each other for a while but… but then he just got up and walked past me without saying a word.” 

The elevator arrived and the door opened for them. Isabelle sighed deeply and undid her own embrace in front of her chest. Both of them walked into the little space with glassy walls. 

“He’s my brother.”

“Your brother?” Magnus repeated questioningly. Isabelle just nodded without saying a word, looking at her feet and biting on her lip. 

“You never mentioned another brother besides Jace. And if I recall right - Jace is an asshole. Besides, your brother, Alec, is hot as hell.” Isabelle had to smile after his sentence. She lifted her head again to face Magnus. 

“Yeah, well I do have another brother. Alec… Alexander, to be exact. I- I never mentioned him before, because-” Isabelle breathed in deeply. “Well because he’s very different.”

“I can see that. He’s _beautiful_ ,” Magnus interrupted her with a smirk. Isabelle looked at Magnus with a smile. 

“I know he is… guess we both have that in common. But my brother is just… different. He’s… well, he has a lot of problems, you know?” The elevator arrived at the ground floor and they walked out of the building to get into Magnus’ car real quick. The wind still hasn’t cooled off. 

“He has a lot of phobias, he deals with depression, PTSD and anxiety and - well he’s been mute for over 11 years now. Today was his birthday.” Isabelle confessed in the car. She had no idea why she told Magnus about this, but after all he saw him and saw Alec’s reaction to him. Isabelle didn’t want him to get a wrong image of her brother. 

Magnus just buckled himself up and started the engine, but he looked over to Isabelle with sad eyes. 

“What? Why’s that? If I may ask.” Magnus didn’t want to be pushy or to sound demanding, but he was interested in Alec, especially since he was so beautiful. Maybe there was more to him. 

“It’s a long story. I love my brother and I really miss talking to him in a normal way. We only chat via our phones. He’s just… not talking to us anymore ever since something… dramatically bad happened years ago.” Isabelle leaned back in her seat and looked out of the window again, watching the streets rush by her window. 

“I understand. But _is_ he still able to talk and just doesn’t want to, or _can’t_ he talk at all?” Magnus needed to know more details about this and he knew it wasn’t right to ask Isabelle for the details, but she was the only one who knew everything about Alec after all. 

“He could talk, if he wanted to. He’s just been through a huge trauma, which caused PTSD. I wish I could help him, but every therapy session we tried failed and we just… accepted him the way he is now. After all, he's still my brother. But he’s not leaving the flat, he’s way too afraid of himself and of the fact that he could hurt people. Every time I go out my mom takes care of him. Or - well she’s just there if he needs something or if he has another panic attack. That’s why I had to quit my job, because I have to be there for him when our mother is working.” 

Magnus was shocked by all this information. He never heard about someone going through such a trauma that they went mute. And he’s seen a lot of stuff in his years as a surgeon already. 

“I guess he just needs the right person, you know? To open himself up to. And I’m sure that he will find that one person someday. Or that this person will find him, since he won’t leave the house.” Isabelle smiled warmly. “He has a big heart, is good at drawing and playing the piano… he loves sports. Overall he’s a normal guy but…”

“He’s trapped in his mind,” Magnus finished the sentence for Isabelle. The young woman nodded silently before sighing. 

“Well… thanks for telling me. I’m sure one day, everything will be different for him.” Magnus looked over to Isabelle for a moment and smiled supportively. Isabelle gave a small smile back before she looked out of the window again. 

“Let’s not think about it for now,” Magnus said as he parked the car in the parking lot next to the club. “We’re here to have fun!” 

“You’re right.” Isabelle closed the door of the car and smiled at Magnus warmly. She really admired him as a friend. He was always there for her but also knew how to party. 

Yet Magnus couldn’t stop thinking about Alec for a single second of the night. He promised himself that he wouldn't give up on him. Even if Alec would ignore him for weeks, months of being there for a few minutes. It would be worth it for Magnus to see him, maybe even help him. To break down the walls he has built around his heart. Maybe he could help him break free from his own made up cage of anxiety and depression. 

And maybe it was a deal with the devil, a game he couldn’t win, a challenge he couldn’t overcome. But it was worth a try. _He_ was worth a try.

God, he already knew that Alec _deserved_ a second chance in life, a better life, a future and so much more. 


	2. Shadow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies! Welcome back to another chapter of Soundless Love! It made me smile like crazy seeing all of your love and live-tweets, kudos and comments <3 Your feedback truly made my day! Which is why I instantly started writing chapter two! So here we are! I added some taggs - tho some of them have nothing to do with the main characters. But just in case some of you could get triggered by those mentions, I put them up :) 
> 
> Don't forget to check out the playlist and if you wanna live-tweet the chapter use #SLLfic as usual! Would love to see reactions again <3 
> 
> Once again HUGE thanks to my girlffriend [@sylightwood](https://twitter.com/sylightwood) and Alaska [@alxndrlightwood](https://twitter.com/aIxndrIightwood) for proofreading and making it smooth <3 
> 
> Twitter: [@malecsmercy](https://twitter.com/malecsmercy)  
> Playlist: [click here!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3NkSkoZ1bjUPD0Zyki4Geg?si=vHEVBnJrQ2W1jNGcvNDXVA)  
> Page for the aesthetics [right here!](https://drive.google.com/open?id=1bZg_BeFjzqZJ2EguIw52pI_bd3z_9uN7)  
> Love, Kim x

While Isabelle and Magnus were enjoying their night at the new club, trying to forget about the problems around them, Alec was sitting in his room trying to settle his breathing. The second he was out of Magnus’ sight and arrived at his room he broke down behind the door. His hands were trembling, and his legs were shaking. He wasn’t ready to face Magnus. He was almost certain he would wait in the hallway without lurking into one of the rooms. 

Alec crumpled down on the floor and tried to catch his breath. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the wooden door. His legs clung to his chest as his hands kept trembling on his knees. He didn’t want Magnus to see him, to know about him. He was overwhelmed by how beautiful Magnus looked. How he was looking at him when he was sitting in front of the piano. Alec had no idea what Magnus thought about him, but he was sure that it wasn’t anything positive. After all, he even heard him play the song. 

Alec swallowed hard as he felt the burning sensation of his tears fighting their way to the surface. He briefly opened his mouth, pressed his tongue against his palate with all the strength that was left in his body, trying to suppress his crying. He hated breaking down like this, letting his weakness and mind take him over. He knew deep down that Magnus couldn’t care less about him, since he only saw him for a few minutes, yet Alec’s mind couldn’t stop yelling at him that Magnus must have thought badly of him. 

_He thinks you’re weird. You don’t deserve anything good. No one would give you attention. You’re worthless._

Alec’s nails dug into his palm. He fought against his mind, trying to catch his breath. He felt like he was drowning. He just wanted it to stop, to be able to turn off his brain for once. He wasn’t able to enjoy moments like these. He had no chance of actually admiring Magnus. He hated himself so much, hated his body, his mind, his past. He hated what he’d become. A monster of his own, unloveable, disgusting, awkward. He had no chance in life, just like he wouldn’t get a second chance to make everything right. 

He just had to accept his fate and to finally stop hoping for someone who could help him get out of this miserable hole of depression and anxiety.

Alec opened his eyes again. He looked over his bed, where Ares had just come down from as he noticed Alec’s breakdown. It took him only a few seconds to get over to his owner. He started purring, rubbing against his legs to catch Alec’s attention. Ares wasn’t trained to notice his panic attacks, but he learned a lot within the last years. 

Alec’s lips were still trembling as he started petting Ares. His purring became more audible and a small smile crept onto Alec’s lips. He would’ve never thought that a cat would be the one to understand him the most. As Alec pet him, the trembling in his legs started to die down. His breathing settled again and his fingers stopped shaking. Alec closed his eyes once more to take a deep breath before he reopened them to look at Ares who was sitting in front of him. Alec smiled at him and nodded softly. He got up slowly and headed towards his bed to let himself fall onto it. Ares followed him, his tail swinging around a little bit in excitement. He followed Alec onto the bed and a second later he was lied down next to Alec, still purring and obviously hoping for more cuddles. And Alec gave in. He started petting him again, trying to ignore his mind and the voices inside his head. He learned to concentrate on the good things happening to him to avoid panic attacks.

However, he couldn’t get Magnus out of his mind. He was even more beautiful in real life than Alec had expected. And he was out there partying with his sister. 

Alec sighed softly. He wished to be normal, even just for one night. 

And somewhere deep down inside of him - there was still hope. Hope that someone would care about him more than a sibling would. 

But he would be lying to himself if he thought that person being someone as _good l_ ooking as Magnus Bane. 

He was just living to die at some point in life, yet he was dying to live a normal life.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Magnus stood at the bar with his cocktail glass in hand. He was lost in his thoughts, thinking about Isabelle’s brother. He couldn’t quite understand why Alec just ran off the second he saw him. He wondered if he did something wrong. According to Isabelle, Alec suffered from a lot of phobias and panic attacks, yet Magnus didn’t speak a word to him, so maybe it was just his appearance that had set the boy off.

He would’ve loved to get to know him though. He seemed interesting and mysterious, somehow he reminded Magnus of someone that was too young to explore the dangerous world, yet too old to be afraid of it. Magnus sighed deeply as he stared at his glass. The tiny olive rested on the bottom of the glass and he could see himself in the reflection of the lucent liquid. He loved a challenge but he wasn’t sure if he could master this one. 

“Someone got lost in their thoughts, huh?” Isabelle approached him from behind. She patted his back before she sat down beside him on one of the barstools. 

“You’ve been here for a while now. Not in the mood for partying anymore?” She asked with a small smile before she ordered a glass of champagne for herself. The bartender nodded towards her and started preparing the drink while Isabelled turned on her seat to face Magnus. He was still looking at his own reflection, lost in his thoughts. 

Magnus shrugged, not taking his eyes off his own reflection. “I don’t know… I’m kinda stuck in my thoughts. I can’t stop thinking about your brother’s reaction. He seemed like a nice guy, with a good heart.” Magnus took his eyes off the glass and faced Isabelle. He smiled at her softly, but he felt so bad for Alec. 

The bartender handed Isabelle her drink and took the money she had already put on the counter. She smiled at Magnus. “He is a good guy, trust me. And you didn’t do anything wrong in particular. I told him about someone picking me up, even asked him if it was fine with him. I guess he just wasn’t ready to actually face you, so don’t feel bad about it. I hope he’s doing okay.” Isabelle’s face turned sad within seconds after she finished her sentence. And Magnus couldn’t help but feel guilty for causing trouble. 

“Maybe you should check up on him? I really want him to be okay,” he suggested after sipping on his drink. 

Isabelle nodded silently before taking out her phone and texting her brother.

_Just checking in to see if you’re okay. Magnus told me about your reaction and I’m sorry that I didn’t tell him to wait in the hallway. He feels really bad about making you anxious. Are you okay now? -_ 10:46 PM 

“I don’t know if he will answer. Sometimes he’s not in the mood to answer any of my texts.” Isabelle’s voice sounded apologetic. She really felt bad for what happened to Alec and she knew it was her fault, all alone. But she wasn’t the only one feeling like that. She could see that Magnus struggled as well, even though he didn’t know her brother at all. 

And maybe that was a first for Alec. That someone other than his family actually cared. 

“Is that the only way you communicate? Besides his nods and headshakes?” Magnus’ voice sounded again. He didn’t face Isabelle anymore but looked over to the live-band. It was Simon’s group, Isabelle’s secret boyfriend everyone knew about except her mother, apparently. Even Alec figured it all out through Facebook. 

She smiled and chuckled softly before nodding. “Kinda, yeah, we always text on iMessage or Messenger.” 

“He’s got Facebook?” Isabelle caught Magnus’ attention with just one word. He faced Isabelle again, and she nodded. 

“Yeah, he has. He posts the photos he takes there and some of his piano covers. He loves playing the piano.” Isabelle looked at her glass with a sad smile. “It’s the only way for him to express his feelings without saying a single word.” 

“He’s phenomenal at it.” Magnus said all of a sudden and Isabelle looked up. “At playing the piano I mean,” Magnus continued with a smile. “I loved listening to that tiny bit he played when I was there. He’s a natural.” Magnus sipped his cocktail once again before handing the glass over to the bartender. Isabelle watched him with a sad smile. It was good to hear that someone was actually interested in her brother. 

Isabelle’s phone rang at the same time. She put her glass down and grabbed her phone. 

ALEC ♡

_I’m fine, no worries. Thanks for asking tho. Hope you’re having a good night out there. Also - tell Magnus not to feel bad. It’s not his fault. - 22:48 PM_

“He’s fine. And I’m supposed to tell you to stop feeling bad, since it’s not your fault.” she explained diplomatically. Magnus raised his eyebrow right before he turned his head towards her. 

“He sure knows how to make someone curious.” Magnus smirked a bit, before he got up and grabbed Isabelle’s hand. “Let’s dance, my dear.” 

“I haven’t finished my drink yet!” But Isabelle couldn’t grab her glass anymore, only her phone. She got dragged to the dance floor by Magnus. “Magnus you owe me 12 bucks now!” She was laughing, but she still paid twelve dollars for that one glass of champagne. 

“You’ll be fine. I’ll buy you one after this dance, okay? But don’t let Simon see me or he will get jealous.” Magnus smirked at her before she nodded and they both started dancing to the rhythm of the song. Simon has just finished the gig and made space for the DJ that took over. He was still new to the scene yet he played the right music for the club already. Magnus and Isabelle got lost in the music within seconds. They were dancing to the song, raising their arms with all the other people when the beat dropped and then they started to bounce around like wild animals. 

They were clearly enjoying their night. 

At the same time, Simon walked over to the booth of Isabelle’s friends. Maia and Clary took a break from dancing for now and grabbed their glasses to quench their thirst. Clary was sitting on Maia’s lap and she raised her hand to give Simon a high-five. Simon was her childhood best friend and she introduced him to Maia and Isabelle when all three of them started going to clubs after work. 

“You did amazing, Simon!” Clary cheered and applauded him while Maia wrapped her arms around Clary’s hips. 

“Thank you Fray! It’s kinda rough to have a gig in a new club where everyone just wants to dance, you know?” 

“Ah, come on Simon. They loved you.” Maia peaked her head over Clary’s shoulder. “At least we did. We sang along on the dance floor.” She smiled at Simon. 

“What would I do without you two?” 

“Well - you wouldn’t have met Isabelle.” Clary pointed out, giggling. She looked over to the dancefloor to find Isabelle dancing with their boss. “Somehow it’s still weird to see her dancing with our boss.” Clary looked back at her girlfriend, who just shrugged. 

“Honestly? He’s super cool. I’m glad we’ve got such a young and modern boss. Imagine having an older one who wouldn’t show us shit.” Maia’s voice sounded hoarse already from all the screaming. 

Clary nodded. “Yeah you’re probably right.” She watched Magnus and Isabelle for a while. “Do we know if Magnus has a partner? He always has time for a night at the club… so I assume he’s still single?” 

“What do you wanna imply here, Fray?” Simon asked while tilting his head. He sipped on his coke to settle his breath again. He felt like he was burning. The heat in the club was nearly unbearable, but that was because of his gig on the stage. All the lights were focused on him for at least ninety minutes. 

“I’m just saying. We’re all here with our loved ones and he’s still… alone.” 

“I’m sure Magnus has no problem with finding someone. From time to time he’s at least meeting someone that he brings home. Even if it’s just for one night - I feel like he’s doing okay,” Simon stated while shrugging his shoulders. 

Nevertheless Clary was tilting her head, still looking at Magnus who was still bouncing around with Isabelle to the beat of the music. “I don’t know,” she whispered to herself. “I feel like everyone needs someone to hold on to when times get rough.” 

  
  


* * *

  
  


“One glass of your best champagne for the lady.” Magnus ordered with a smirk, laying out the money with a huge tip for the bartender. His skin was covered in sweat, he felt his shirt sticking to his back. He hated the feeling but at the same time he knew it meant he had fun. 

In the meantime, Isabelle was fixing her hair. “You didn’t drink much today,” she stated, smiling. “Something is off, and I know it’s about my brother. Why are you so curious about him?” 

“Have you seen your brother?” Magnus looked over to her. “He’s beautiful, Isabelle.” 

“He’s extremely difficult to handle, Magnus. I don’t want him to get hurt just because you want to-”

“No, Isabelle. I don’t want that. I want to get to know him.” Magnus knew that Isabelle thought about him and her brother in bed. And he understood that maybe he was known for that, but Alec was different. 

“I want to help him. Maybe he just needs someone else to talk to, other than you and your mother,” he explained quietly. He saw the challenge in Alec and he wanted to take the risk. 

“What if he rejects you? What if he has another panic attack the second he sees you? You can’t just smash through the door. He’s different.” Isabelle wanted to let Magnus in because she wished for someone to be there for her brother but she knew Alec. She knew the risk of letting people in the flat and especially near Alec. 

“But what if that’s the key, Isabelle? What if someone just starts to treat him like a normal person for once? Give me a chance.” Magnus handed the glass over to her with a smile. “Just one chance.” 

Isabelle sighed deeply. “What do you want me to do?” 

“What’s his Facebook name? Make sure he’ll accept my friend request. That’s all I’m asking for.” 

Isabelle tilted her head slightly, but then she nodded and grabbed one of the tissues lying around on the counter. “Don’t be devastated if he rejects you. I warned you.” Isabelle grabbed one of her pens out of her tiny purse that she brought with her to write down Alec’s Facebook name. Obviously it wasn’t just “Alec Lightwood.”

“Alexander Gideon Lightwood?” Magnus read out loud after Isabelle handed him the tissue. 

“He got the second name from our grandpa. Don’t question it.” Isabelle grabbed her glass and took a sip. She didn’t really have a bad feeling while doing any of this. Her brother deserved someone, a friend, someone to talk to. And if that someone would be Magnus Bane, then so be it. 

And if things went wrong, Alec could just make the cut. 

“It’s a beautiful name,” Magnus responded with a smile. “Thank you, my dear. I owe you.” 

“Just buy me another drink the next time. We’ll be even then.” She winked at Magnus before getting up and walking over to their booth. Magnus’ gaze followed her, but he stayed back for a second. He pulled his phone out and searched for Alec on Facebook. He was kinda glad that he didn’t drink much, even though his tolerance was pretty high nowadays. He wanted to make sure he did the right thing here, without rushing anything due to the magic of alcohol. 

After a few clicks he found the profile Isabelle wrote down for him. Alec’s profile picture was the night sky, filled with stars and the moon. A smile crept onto Magnus’ lips. He wasn’t wrong when he thought Alec was mysterious as hell, but this made him _so_ interesting. His profile didn’t show much information, there were no public pictures or videos to be seen. Only one thing stood out - there was a date marked. 

_06/20/09_

Magnus raised an eyebrow but he didn’t bother much about it. He sent the request and pushed his phone back into his pocket. He joined the others in the booth with a drink and tried to suppress his nervousness and excitement about the encounter that he had with Alec. About the friend request he sent to him. It shouldn’t be spoken out loud before he didn’t have any new information regarding Alec. He found out from Isabelle that Alec had a lot of phobias, therefore he decided not to say a word about him to his friends for now. Heck, he didn’t even know if they knew about Alec’s existence. 

He seemed like a ghost in the family even though he was alive and living in the same flat. 

And somehow it seemed strange to him that no one's seen him so far. That he was standing in the shadow of his family, trapped in the flat because of his phobias and fears. But whatever caused it, Magnus was sure that he wouldn’t just let him slip away from his life. Even if there was just a tiny chance for him to help Alec. He wouldn’t throw it away. He was ready to help someone who clearly screamed for help through his covers and yet no one seemed to hear his cries. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


Alec couldn’t recall how long he’s been sitting on his bed. He’s been staring at his phone for hours after he returned from the bathroom. He hasn't unlocked his phone ever since. He was staring at the notification that his lock screen showed him. 

_Magnus Bane sent you a friend request._

Alec couldn’t believe his eyes. He read the words over and over again, making sure that this was really happening. He had no idea how Magnus found out about his name in the first place until it clicked. 

Isabelle. 

Alec lied back on his back, his phone resting on his chest. He stared at the ceiling, trying to think about the options he had. Should he reject or accept the request? Different scenarios were going through his mind at the same time. What did he want from someone like him? Why would Magnus Bane ever pay attention to him? Did he only want to be his friend on Facebook because of Isabelle? Did they talk about him? Would he make fun of his posts? Would he spread them around the internet? 

Alec didn’t know anything about Magnus besides his good looks. 

Though Magnus didn’t know much about him either, unless Isabelle told him. 

And there was the problem. Isabelle might have told Magnus about him, about his condition - meaning Magnus might have changed his view on Alec already. 

Alec sighed deeply and rolled on his stomach, hiding his face in his pillow and inhaling deeply to keep his breath steady. He couldn’t let his mind take over again. He wouldn’t give up _that_ easily for another sequence of his demon coming out to let him suffer with the help of his own thoughts.

He thought about a name for his demon. It turned out to be _Crypto_. Alec thought that giving his biggest enemy a name would make it more personal and more acceptable. 

It _didn't._

Alec felt from time to time how Crypto lied down beside him. How he looked over to him with a devilish smile. He knew Alec better than anyone, knew his weaknesses and his phobias. He appeared in his dreams, standing on the street, looking over at Alec with a dark laugh before he woke up, covered in sweat and feeling like he was about to choke. Crypto followed him everywhere Alec went. Always crawling behind him like a dark shadow. Like his deathwish, constantly reminding him how easily it would be to just hit the right trigger.

Alec couldn’t even describe the demon’s appearance. He had a face for sure but he wasn’t a copy of himself. More like… a ghost figure. He was wearing black clothes, most likely a black shirt, his arms were covered in tattoos and his voice was throaty and deep. There was always dust around him and memories were played nearby. Memories that Alec just wanted to forget. 

Crypto felt his pain, his fear, he felt everything that Alec went through day by day. And he always came out during his worst moments. On top of that - Crypto loved seeing Alec suffer.

Alec felt his presence yet again as he drifted into his own mind. He didn’t want Crypto to creep out again, hence why he grabbed his phone blindly and checked the time. Ares also jumped onto the bed to offer the comfort that Alec needed in this moment to keep himself sane. It was in the middle of the night already and it wouldn’t take long until Isabelle returned from the party. And Alec crossed his heart and hoped that she wouldn’t check up on him. She always did, no matter how late it was, just to see if he was already asleep or struggling yet again to fight off his own thoughts. 

He was looking at the notification once again, hovering over the text. He was uncertain. He couldn’t just accept the friend request of a stranger. However, he wasn’t really a stranger. Alec knew his name and what he looked like. And he was sure that Isabelle would tell him more about Magnus if Alec had the guts to ask. 

Alec heard the front door opening and he looked over to the side to see Ares sleeping on his pillow. His tail was moving slowly up and down. He was asleep and Alec decided to sneak out. He needed a drink and couldn’t sleep for now anyway. 

He walked down the stairs quietly not to catch the attention of his sister as he heard a voice. And it wasn’t Isabelle’s voice. He stopped in the middle of the staircase and once again thanked whoever designed the flat years back that no one could see the stairs from the hallway due to a huge wall built in front of it. 

“Don’t forget the favor you promised me,” the voice seemed lovely and peaceful, almost calming. He laughed quietly and Alec heard Isabelle sighing. 

“See ya next time, Magnus.” 

Alec held his breath for a second, feeling his heart drop to the floor. It was _Magnus’_ voice. And he would be lying if he said that it wasn’t the most beautiful voice he had heard in awhile. The only other male voice he heard over and over again was Crypto’s. And he despised that voice more than he despised himself. 

He closed his eyes as he heard Isabelle shutting the door and he let out his breath. The air was clean, at least for now. Alec continued walking down the stairs to sneak into the kitchen. Their mother was already asleep, but it didn’t take long until Isabelle showed up in the dark kitchen. 

“Hatin’ the light once again, huh?” she teased her brother before turning on the light. She was leaning against the doorframe as Alec poured himself a glass of water. 

Alec was just humming with a quick nod before leaning against the counter and lifting his glass a bit to sip the water from it. 

“Why are you still up?” Isabelle was walking towards him to grab a glass from one of the counters. “Couldn’t sleep?” she continued asking quietly not to wake their mom up. Alec nodded towards her. He was just looking at her with his huge eyes and Isabelle could see that he was battling with himself a while ago. His eyes were highlighted by dark eye bags, telling Isabelle that he didn’t catch a good night’s sleep in a while. Which was typical for that time of the year. 

Isabelle kept looking at her brother, reading his eyes and trying to decipher what he wanted to ask. 

“The party was good,” she said a little while later. She smiled at her brother, knowing he wished to have been there as well. Isabelle’s smile turned into a sad sigh seconds later before she patted Alec on his shoulder. “Magnus really liked your cover of Human, by the way. He told me to tell you that you’re very talented!” Isabelle tried to brighten up the situation for her brother. 

But Alec felt like his breath got stuck in his lungs again. Just hearing his name reminded him of the notification on his phone. He still hasn’t done anything about it. And he wasn’t even sure if he would ever do anything about it. 

Isabelle saw how her brother tensed and she was certain that his pupils dilated after she dropped the name. She turned around to Alec completely before smiling at him again. “Don’t worry, Alec. He’s a good guy. He was pretty interested in you! In a good way of course.” She smiled at him again. “Let’s say… he only wanted to know more about you. He asked me for your Facebook name.” 

Alec looked down to Isabelle and met her eyes for a brief second before he looked at the floor. So Isabelle was the one giving Magnus his Facebook name. She knew how insecure her brother was about himself and yet she decided to tell a stranger his full name. Even if this stranger was Magnus Bane. 

“I’m sorry, big brother,” Isabelle’s voice sounded apologetic. She really felt bad for giving his name to Magnus, but she knew deep down that Alec needed someone. And she gave Magnus a chance to be that person. “I didn’t mean to… to harm you. And I’m sure Magnus won’t do any harm either.” A small smile crept onto her lips and though Alec didn’t face her, he could see the light reflecting on her lips due to her glossy lipgloss. 

Alec looked up again to face her and he had this one specific look on his face. That look that was able to speak for itself. The ‘ _you’re kidding, right?’_ look. Alec rolled his eyes before he opened his phone to text Isabelle within seconds. Isabelle saw that he was about to text her so she pulled out her phone as well.

ALEC ♡

_Why would I accept it in the first place? You probably told him about me if he’s so interested in me. I’m useless. - 2:34 AM_

Isabelle looked up at her brother, who was just shrugging his shoulders in defense. The younger one sighed before facing her brother again. 

“You’re human, Alec. You need someone to talk to. And that someone might be him. Who knows? Maybe you’ll like him. Maybe you’ll find a friend in him. But you gotta give him a chance first before saying there’s no need in accepting the request. You don’t know him, he doesn't know much about you either. I didn’t tell him much.” Isabelle stopped for a second to check up on her brother, who seemed normal so far. She didn’t want him to get lost in his own doubts again. 

“Look… Give him a chance, okay? It’s just Facebook, Alec. If you don’t like him… you can end things quickly, okay? I just want you to have someone to talk to who’s not part of our family.”

_Family_. That word seemed so familiar and yet so extraneous. 

He wasn’t even sure if he was part of the family. He had no one, he was a loner, alone in his room all day long, not being able to socialize with anyone outside his flat. He hated himself and his life. He felt nothing but regret for the things that he was responsible for. He ruined the future of his sister and let his parents break up. All because of him. Because of his mistakes. 

Isabelle noticed how her brother drifted away within seconds after she stopped talking and she knew it wasn’t a good idea to touch him when he was lost in his thoughts.

“Alec!” she exclaimed a little bit louder. Not too loud though, neither of them wanted to wake up their mother. She needed to work the next day after all. Alec blinked a bit later and focused on Isabelle again. She could see his teary eyes, which he tried to hide instantly by turning away from her and cramping his hands. 

“It’s okay… hey… Alec,” she slowly put her hand on Alec’s shoulder, making sure he wouldn’t flinch away. And he didn’t. He closed his eyes and turned towards his sister. 

He heard Crypto talking to him with his deep voice yet again, he heard him walking behind Isabelle. 

_“He will hate you for what you did. No one will ever love you Alec. You can’t be loved. Just accept your destiny. Give up.”_

Alec felt his hands tremble as he sensed Isabelle’s hands gliding around his upper body to hug him. And he allowed her to do so, he didn’t fight it. He put his chin on Isabelle’s shoulder and let his tears run down his cheeks silently. As he opened his eyes he saw Crypto standing in front of him with a devilish smile on his fading face. 

_“And I guess I broke you yet again. Let’s say it gets easier day by day, Alec.”_ His laugh echoed in Alec’s ears, making him flinch away from Isabelle. He hated Crypto so much, but he couldn’t tell anyone how much he suffered from his own personal demon. Because at the end of the day - he deserved all of it. Alec turned away from Isabelle and grabbed his phone. Magnus’ notification was still there, still waiting for his decision. He opened his text app to message Isabelle.

ALEC ♡

_I’ll be in my room. Love you. - 2:41AM_

Alec rushed into his room within seconds, running away from Crypto. But he knew he couldn’t escape his own shadow. When he entered his room Crypto was already lying on his bed. 

_“Too slow, buddy.”_ Crypto was sitting next to Ares, trying to pet him with his ghoulish hand. In his other hand he held a metal skull, throwing it in the air and catching it again. Alec closed his eyes once more. He knew Crypto wasn’t real, he never spoke to him and yet the demon crept out whenever Alec felt weak. 

Normally seeing Ares would’ve helped in getting rid of Crypto, but this time was different. He didn’t seem to go away, because his mind wouldn’t shut up. 

_“You should really think twice before you accept that request. You’re gonna make his life a living hell, you know that, right?”_ Another laugh boiled out of Crypto’s throat. _“I don’t even know what he wants from you. Honestly. You’re extremely tedious. Look at you. What could he possibly want from someone that lost?”_

Alec looked down at himself for a second, closing his eyes and wishing that Crypto would just leave him alone. He walked over to the windowsill blindly, ignoring the voices in his head. As he sat down he stared at the stars again. Sometimes he even questioned himself if he was colorblind, ever since his life was filled with darkness and depression. He didn’t know what colors felt like anymore, what it felt like to be happy. Yet he was able to see the yellow and red lights of the roads below him and every other color around the house. But he was pretty sure that his mind was colorblind - simply not capable of seeing anything other than black, grey and white. 

Alec pulled out his phone to stare down at his lockscreen. He unlocked it and looked at his Facebook app. The red dot showed him that the notification was still there. He looked at his bed again to see Crypto still lying on his back, staring at the ceiling and playing with the skull. He looked back on his phone before opening Facebook. He stared at the friend request, letting his finger hover over Magnus’ name again and again. He was clearly hesitating, and he had every reason to do so. 

Crypto wasn’t lying. Obviously he wasn’t - at the end of the day he was nothing more than Alec’s inner voice, his inner thoughts. Magnus wouldn’t stick around for long - that was for sure. But Alec didn’t know if he was even worth the few hours of texting. He would be wasting Magnus’ time. But on the other hand… Magnus himself sent the request. Something inside of Alec told him that he should accept it. That he should take the risk for once. 

Alec looked over to Crypto once again, who got up and walked over to Alec’s desk again. He was wearing a black shirt. On top of that he wore a leather jacket with silver highlights. Alec was certain that he reflected himself. He had the same body structure as Alec, the same hairstyle and the same eyes. However, his were glowing black. 

_“What’s that?”_ Alec followed his gaze and saw that Crypto pointed at his drawing, and Alec hated to know that it was his own insecurity speaking again. Crypto laughed seconds later. 

_“Right! A tattoo. Kinda pathetic you wanna get your skin inked when you don’t even want to leave the house. How will you be able to pull something like this off? And where do you want to place it? On your neck, right?”_ Alec closed his eyes in pain to avoid meeting Crypto’s eyes. But he knew what was about to happen. It only took Crypto a second to transform the drawing onto his neck. He turned around to Alec, who was still avoiding his gaze with all the strength that was left inside of him. But he felt what Crypto did. 

_“You know this actually looks pretty nice. At least on me - someone who’s confident with themselves. Meanwhile… you… well, it would look pretty stupid on you.”_ Crypto observed himself in the mirror before turning back to Alec, who was watching the stars. He had closed his hand in a fist to suppress the urge to scream at Crypto. He knew it was pointless anyway. He wouldn’t leave until his mind started thinking about something else. He could feel how his nails dug into his flesh. He wanted him to leave so badly but he was out of answers. Not even Ares’ presence helped this time. Crypto grew stronger over the years, meanwhile Alec got weaker with each day passing by ever since he decided not to speak anymore. 

Alec felt his phone vibrate and looked at the text from his sister who just wrote to him. 

  
  


ISABELLE

_Give him a chance, Alec. - 3:14 AM_

Alec looked over to Crypto, who was still standing in front of the mirror, admiring himself and his new tattoo. As Alec looked back on his phone, he sighed deeply and closed iMessage to open Facebook again. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before pressing _accept_. And just like that - Crypto was gone. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


Magnus couldn’t recall at which point he hit his pillow but he did remember Raphael knocking at his door at 11 AM in the morning to share breakfast with him. It was Magnus’ day off and he wanted to celebrate the day by sleeping until the afternoon would hit. 

But Raphael wasn’t amused by his plan and decided to crush his morning dreams. 

“Wake up, you lazy ass.” Raphael kept knocking on Magnus’ door until he got up and opened it.

“It’s eleven in the morning, Raphael.” Magnus leaned against the door. He tried to suppress the urge to yawn right in Raphael’s face but he failed terribly. 

“You look awful,” Raphael pointed out as he raised an eyebrow. He stood in front of Magnus’ door, dressed in sweatpants and a grey shirt with a memory card disk on it saying _“Never forget”_. Sometimes Magnus questioned himself why he even moved in with Raphael in the first place. They were so different, yet they have been close friends ever since they grew up in the same neighborhood. 

“Screw you, Raphael. What do you want… please tell me it’s an emergency. Otherwise I’ll have a beautiful day in my bed. In the end, it’s _my_ day off,” Magnus almost barked. He really looked awful. His make-up was still on his face, but most of it had come off with the shower he took the night before. 

“I made breakfast and for once I want you to share it with me. At least today, I don’t have to meet any of your one night stands.” Raphael smirked at him, knowing Magnus hated him for waking him up. But he didn’t mind at all. He just turned around, knowing that Magnus had no other choice but to follow him. 

“Give me a few minutes, at least. I need to get ready.” Magnus yawned again before closing his door to get ready. He unplugged his phone and grabbed some clothes before going over to the bathroom. He needed another shower, needed to wash his hair, because it was still filled with glitter. He also got rid of the rest of his makeup to look alive again. 

When he returned from the bathroom, Raphael was already biting into his freshly baked bagel. He was obsessed with these things. Magnus never understood the tradition of having breakfast. Like _actually_ eating something. He never needed much more than a black coffee before heading out to work. But when he came back to New York and moved in with Raphael… all of a sudden he demanded to share breakfast with him from time to time. 

And for some reason Magnus couldn’t really resist - Raphael was his childhood friend after all. 

He sat down at the table and poured himself a cup of coffee. Raphael was enjoying his orange juice in the meantime. 

“I made some scrambled eggs if you want,” Raphael said after putting his glass down. He pointed to their small kitchen. Magnus nodded towards him and got up to get those juicy eggs. He wasn’t a fan of bread or bagels. 

“So it’s your day off?” Raphael asked from the table. 

“Yeah.” Magnus put the kettle in the sink and took the pan off the stove before returning to the table. 

“What will you be doing? Don’t tell me you’re gonna sleep the whole day,” he asked while chewing on his bagel. Magnus smirked at him. 

“You know I can’t do that. As soon as they call me, I have to be at the hospital in a few minutes. I don’t really know… maybe I’ll finish my book. Or I will just scroll through Facebook all day long. Nothing to worry about - I won’t interrupt your gaming day or whatever you wanna do on a Saturday,” Magnus responded in a dull manner. Raphael rolled his eyes afterwards. 

“Whatever you say, Magnus. How was your night anyway? Didn’t bring anyone home?” 

Magnus hovered over the table to grab a banana while eating his eggs. He nodded shortly before sipping on his coffee. “Didn’t feel like it. I didn’t even drink much yesterday.” 

“Woah!” Raphael exclaimed instantly. “Who are you and what did you do to the Magnus I know?” He grinned at Magnus for a short time before returning to his grumpy expression. 

“Nah, it just… I wasn’t interested in anyone.”

That was a lie, and Magnus knew it was. He _was_ interested in someone. But that someone wasn’t at the party. 

“Did your dad text you again?”

Magnus raised his eyes to look over to Raphael, who had just finished his bagel and orange juice. He was glad to be his friend, because even though they annoyed each other all the time, they could count on each other. Raphael didn’t know much about the reason why Magnus came back to New York, but he knew it had to do with Magnus’ father. 

Magnus never liked talking about his father. He hated him, despised him. He felt like he barely knew him. And yet the man tried everything to use Magnus to his advantage. His past wasn’t beautiful, his childhood was horrible - but he made the most out of it. 

“No - and I hope he won’t either. I came back for a reason,” Magnus answered bitterly, while looking at his plate. He was still hurt by what had happened - and he didn’t know if he would ever be cured from it.

“You really hate him, don’t you?” 

“Yeah, I guess.” Magnus swallowed hard before closing his eyes for a moment. He hated thinking about him. He really did. He felt ashamed of having such a father - but people don’t choose their parents. 

_“I need more time! Just give me more time, god damnit! I will deliver the money, no need to threaten me or my son. He’s nothing more than a burden to me, believe me. He would be of no use to you and probably not even worth one dollar.”_

“Magnus?” Raphael caught Magnus drifting into his own thoughts and he knew it was dangerous for him. He saved him just in the right time before things would get worse. Though Magnus flinched for a brief second and looked around while blinking repeatedly before calming down, it was for the better. 

“All good?” Raphael seemed worried about him but Magnus just nodded. 

“Yeah, thanks.” He smiled at him briefly. “Memories came up.” He hated talking about his weakness, but he knew that Raphael saw him drifting off and on top of that - he knew about his father being the biggest jerk in the universe. 

“It’s in the past. You’re here now.” Raphael got up and cleaned the table while Magnus took a deep breath to settle in with the reality once again. He nodded towards Raphael before looking at his phone to check his notifications and things that he missed over the night. He remembered his conversation with Isabelle and the favor she wanted to do for him. 

As he opened Facebook with curiosity, he saw the notification he had in his friends list. Alec Lightwood accepted his friend request. Magnus blinked a few times. This was way too easy. Did Isabelle really manage to get her brother to accept the request? He clicked on Alec’s profile a few seconds later and started scrolling through it. His posts were mainly pictures of the sky, shot from his window, apparently. Sometimes he posted a video of one of his piano covers. Magnus lost track of time as he watched the videos quietly. He was fascinated by Alec’s talents and hobbies. From time to time he posted pictures of a cat, pictures of his book with his cat right in front of it. Magnus could see his talent, his emotions through the pictures. He liked a few of them to let Alec know that he appreciated his talent, yet he couldn’t do much more since he got a call from his boss. 

“Good morning, Doctor Bane!” His boss sounded worried and demanding right from the start. 

“What’s the matter, sir?” Magnus stood up immediately and walked past Raphael to enter his room again to talk in privacy. 

“We have an emergency here and we need your help. Someone got beaten by their abusive partner. We need to do further tests but it seems like she has serious brain damage.” 

Magnus took a deep breath and closed his eyes. This reminded him of something that he didn’t want to be reminded of. But he nodded anyway. “I’m on my way, sir.” 

  
  


* * *

  
  


As Magnus arrived at the hospital, he heard different announcements through the speakers. He got called to one of the patients’ rooms. He looked around searching for either Maia or Clary, but couldn’t find any of them. Magnus rushed to the patient's room as soon as possible to find the head doctor standing next to the bed of the patient. Maia and Clary were also in the room, writing notes down. 

“Mister Bane, our best neurosurgeon that we have here. He will make sure to do everything that this hospital is capable of.” 

“Will my sister wake up again?” The young woman sounded hurt, confused and most likely afraid. Magnus got the clipboard with the information on the woman lying in front of them. She got beaten up by her boyfriend and fell on the corner of the dinning table. She lost consciousness and after several tests they found out she was suffering from a huge clot in her brain, causing her to stay in a coma for now. Magnus squeezed his eyes tightly to suppress the memory of his mother. He took a deep breath and looked over to Clary and Maia, who were looking at him with sad smiles on their faces. 

As he looked back at the sister, he tried to smile. “I’ll do everything in my power to help her. You have my word. What happened to her partner?” 

“I informed the police… I was on my way to her, because we wanted to go shopping together and I have the key to her apartment. I didn’t know that her boyfriend was over because she told me several times that she wanted to break up with him.” 

“It’s hard to leave the abusive people behind.” Magnus interrupted her instantly. He didn’t mean to say it out loud and felt everyone’s eyes on him. He looked at his feet for a moment before facing the woman again. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt or accuse your sister of anything.” He handed Clary the clipboard back and nodded at her. 

“As I said, I’ll try my best.” Magnus left the room immediately and he stroked his face with his palm. He felt tired. He shouldn’t let his memories affect his job, but from time to time it was hard for him. Especially if the case reminded him of his own mother. 

Even after a decade he still struggled with the loss of her. 

“Doctor Bane.” the voice of his boss sounded in his ear. He turned around to face him. 

“I know, Doctor Denver.” Magnus knew what he was about to hear. “It won’t happen again.” 

“Magnus.” His boss didn’t seem angry with him, nor was he disappointed. “I know this case could lead into personal memories of yours. But you're our best man when it comes to different kinds of comas and clots of different sizes inside the brain. I wish I didn’t have to call you, I know it was your day off.” 

Magnus took a deep breath. “It’s fine. It really is. I just need to remind myself of what we’re doing here. And that we’re hopefully saving that young woman. I’ll try my best - as I said back there.” 

His boss smiled at Magnus and patted him on the shoulder before going back into the patient's room. Magnus leaned against the wall in the meantime and tried to sort through his thoughts and feelings. The anniversary of his mother's passing was nearing closer with every day, which was why his mind has been doing this to him lately. Normally he knew how to separate his job and his private life. 

But he just heard from Isabelle a day ago that there’s no such thing as _normal_ for some people.

Magnus shook his head and slid off the wall to get another coffee. He couldn’t think about Alec. At least not for now, not when he had to save a woman’s life. They always told him: “Don’t interact with the patients too often - you will form an emotional bond to them and it’s dangerous. Don’t let the cases affect you. Don’t let them remind you of something you or your family went through.” 

Magnus never understood any of these statements. How was he supposed to help people, to save their lives - if he had no emotional bonding towards them? How was he supposed to treat them like objects? He had to talk to the family members, and had to explain to them that he’ll try his best as usual. And even if he couldn’t save a soul, he would always be the one telling the family members. And he would always apologize. Because at the end of the day: he let that person die. 

And the woman on the patient’s bed wasn’t even old. Her sister was even younger, still a minor as Magnus assumed. They informed the family already and they told Magnus that they were on the way to the hospital. 

Magnus had to prepare for the surgery, because the sooner they’d try to save her, the bigger the chance of no negative long term effects there was for her in general. Magnus called Maia and Clary to his side as he finished his coffee. 

“Is the family here already?”

“They should be here any minute now,” Maia answered directly while checking her phone. “Are you sure you can do this?” 

“We can’t lose her. Especially not if she’s a victim of an abuser. I won’t let that happen.” Clary and Maia nodded with a sad look on their faces. They knew exactly _why_ this was such an important case for Magnus. Though he never really talked about the loss of his mother, he only told them his mother was the reason why he decided to become a neurosurgeon. 

They all got ready for the surgery and when the family arrived at the hospital, Magnus showed Clary and Maia why it was so important to take the fear of losing a child and why it was so important to explain what they’d be doing. The family members put their trust in Magnus - what obviously led into a dangerous territory, but also made sure that they’d calm down when they knew what was about to happen. Magnus explained the damage their daughter had suffered and what he’d attempt to do in the surgery to help her. He also explained why it happened and who caused it. 

Both Maia and Clary felt the tension throughout the surgery. They stood right beside Magnus and watched him get rid of the clot inside of the young woman's brain. He was extremely careful with her but also because he didn’t wanna distract himself with his own thoughts. He didn’t talk to Clary or Maia about anything other than the surgery. Normally they’d talk about other stuff as well, but this time was different. And it was the first time for Maia and Clary saw Magnus in such a strict mood. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


Five and a half hours later everything was finished and Magnus seemed more than exhausted. He took a deep breath outside the surgery room to keep himself steady. He supported himself on the corner of the sink while closing his eyes. 

“You did great,” Clary spoke quietly. She admired Magnus for the work he did. And for the talent he possessed. 

“Thank you, Biscuit. You also did great.”

“Please, I didn’t do anything.” 

Magnus looked over to Clary and smiled at her after he took off his mask and his gloves. “The patient didn’t die, right?”

“Yeah.”

“So we all did great. It’s not only me that did the job, Clary,” he explained while looking at Maia who was helping clean the room behind the plexiglass. 

“This was more than hard for you, wasn’t it?” Clary asked out of curiosity. “Normally you would talk to us about different things as well, but today… you seemed like, well, like-”

“Like a real boss?” Magnus chuckled for a bit before finding himself again. “Yeah… sometimes I gotta be that, Clary. After all you’re here to learn something.” He smiled at her. “You really did great, Clary. Maia as well. You will be a great surgeon.” Magnus seemed proud of her. 

“Can I ask you a question?” Clary stated all of the sudden. Magnus looked over to her again while cleaning his hands. 

“As a student or as a friend?” 

“As a friend.” 

Magnus nodded. “Go ahead.” 

“Is it hard to lose a patient? Like- how am I supposed to deal with the burden of a patient’s loss on my shoulders? How would you be holding up?” She knew this question could hit Magnus at a sore spot, but she had to know for herself. 

Magnus sighed deeply before shutting off the water and biting on his lip. “I guess some people can handle loss well, and some can’t. I guess everyone handles it differently. I personally never talk about the loss. I just… keep it inside.” Magnus looked at his hands for a second. “I know it’s not healthy, but I never talked to someone about the patients I’ve already lost. Other than the family members of course. Hell, I can’t even talk about my own loss. I simply can’t.” Magnus’ closed his eyes. The pain was almost unbearable. 

“But to answer your question… find the right person to talk to. To cry on their shoulder, to share your pain. As long as you find someone to talk to about the things going on in your head - it will get easier. Never easy. But _easier._ ” Magnus looked over at Maia again. “And I guess you found that person already. I’m still searching for that one.”

“I’m sure you’ll find that person as well, Magnus.” She smiled at him warmly as Magnus nodded.

“Let’s hope so.” 

Clary and Magnus left the room a few minutes later and Magnus headed towards the break room with another coffee. He was clearly exhausted and needed at least a nap. Denver told him that he could stay home the next day as compensation for his sudden call on this day. He let himself fall on the cheap bed mattress and closed his eyes. He rubbed them to get rid of his thoughts and memories of his mother. He hated personal cases. He really did, but on the other hand he loved them, because he could do better than the people who tried to save his mom years back. 

Magnus grabbed his phone and opened Facebook again to browse through Alec’s page once more. He has been listening to his covers for a while before he decided to message him. He wanted to take the chance after all. 

He opened the chat and remembered the conversation he had with Isabelle about him. He wanted to treat him as normal as possible, wanted to get to know him the way Alec would let him. 

_[You really do know how to cover those songs. Great talent.] - 5:49 PM_

Magnus read over the message a few times before he locked his phone again and let it drop on his chest. Now he had to wait. And let’s say… Magnus was an impatient man. 

But he knew deep down, that Alec was worth every second he had to wait for him. He knew that Alec was different - in a good way. And it would be a shame if no one ever saw Alec the way he was. Maybe Magnus wasn’t the only one who needed the right person to open up to. Maybe they weren’t that _different_ from each other after all. 

**Author's Note:**

> See ya next time!


End file.
